On International Women’s Day, last week, I had the opportunity to present on the Art of Work-Life Balance to a group of women located across South-East Asia. for a client. In preparation for the presentation, I tried to find a definition of work-life balance and found there isn’t a shared definition. So, I went with this one, “Work-life balance is typically defined as the amount of time you spend doing your job versus the amount of time you spend with loved ones or pursuing personal interests and hobbies.” It was curious to me that with all the discussion about work-life balance we haven’t defined it. But I suppose that is what work-life balance is about, it’s what it means for you as an individual, so why would there be a universally accepted definition because what I might consider healthy work life balance may not be it for you.
Interestingly the participants all had a pretty good idea of what work-life balance looked like it for them yet, many struggled to achieve it. Their biggest barrier to achieving work-life balance was speaking up for themselves, particularly at work. And this mirrors the experience of my therapy clients. They often feel overwhelmed because they have said, “yes” too many times and not considered their own needs in the process. Leaving them feeling resentful at work and towards others who have monopolised their time and efforts.
What I have learned about work-life balance is that it occurs in phases, depending on where you are in life. It also depends on how much of your responsibilities at home and work you can delegate, defer, get someone else to do it or choose to not do it all. If there is limited opportunity for this, then you will of course be run ragged during certain phases. I know I was when my children were young and dependent on me for most things.
Believe it or not experiencing work-life balance benefits you as well as those around you, including your employer. Someone who experiences work-life balance has a higher overall wellbeing in all three domains; physical, mental and the emotional domain. Work-life balance helps to manage stress and increase your productivity. It protects against depression, heavy drinking, diabetes, impaired memory and heart disease. People who experience work-life balance also incur less healthcare costs. In short, work-life balance protects against burnout.
Work-life balance is often hard to achieve, especially for the people pleasers because it means having to establish boundaries and push back, which inevitably means saying no, and there are some real fears around that. There is concern it mean being perceived by others less favourably. At work you may not be able to be seen as a team player all of the time because you have times when you need to be someone where else.
I remember working with a client to wanted to get back into playing ice-hockey and was worried about leaving on time to get to the ice-rink. It turns out when she finally got the courage to tell her boss she wanted to go to training on a week night, he was very supportive. It surprised her, and it may surprise you if you ask for what you need to achieve work-life balance.
Work-life balance requires 5 mindset shifts
To achieve work-life balance a mindset shift is needed. That means you need to embrace the juggle, de-couple from things external to you, recognise that conflict is inevitable, get comfortable making decisions and allow for regular review of your commitments and time available.
1. Embrace the juggle
The most obvious one is embracing the juggle. The more you live into your life the more the different parts of you get intertwined and the more you need to be comfortable with being vulnerable and allowing the areas to overlap. If not, you will always struggle to achieve work-life balance.
2. De-couple from things external to you
The other important shift is de-coupling your identity from things external to you. For example, if you identify most with your job then your job will hold most of your attention and your time. What you focus on, is what grows. So the next time you hear yourself saying, “I am an accountant”, try and say, “in this moment I am being an accountant.” This will help you provide some distance and create space for some of those other parts that you are too.
3. Conflict is inevitable with work-life balance
In looking to achieve work-life balance, recognise that conflict is inevitable, and you are going to need to negotiate your way towards what you want. And to do that you need to speak up, because telepathy is still a very niche skill, so unless you share what you need with those who need to know, nobody can support you to achieve it. This may require some planning which may also be new for you. People need to know what’s important to you, so they can also work around it for example, needing to attend a family gathering when you are in the middle of a big project. If other project members know about your commitment they can re-assign work or adjust your deliverables so it is possible to attend the family gathering.
4. Decision-making is key
If you liked to let others make decisions for you then achieving your version of work-life balance is going to be hard. To achieve work-life balance you need to start making your own decisions and owning the outcomes. Coupled with this, you need to recognise the pay-off for each decision you make because as you get busier, it is harder to do it all. You’ll to start prioritising what gets done and what gets left behind. If you worry about making the right decision, I’m here to let you know there is no perfect decision, only a decision. What is key is that you learn from your decision and take the learnings forward.
5. Regular review required
I hope that you are recognising that in order to achieve work-life balance you are going to need to get good at making decisions and re-prioritising is a part of that. I hope you are also getting the idea that work-life balance is not a ‘set and forget’ activity but rather an activity that needs regular review. Without regular review and adjustments, it’s possible you will find yourself getting overwhelmed at regular intervals. Feeling overwhelmed is a sign that some more decisions and reprioritising needs to take place.
Resilience is key
How you respond to setbacks determines how active you can be at shaping your work-life balance. And as a result, resilience is key.
Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as juggling multiple responsibilities. It is how you bounce back or bounce forward from difficult experiences and make no mistake achieving work-life balance isn’t always easy.
5 Key things you need to know about resilience and work-life balance
1. You will make mistakes
It’s only human to want to get everything right, especially if you suffer from a bit of perfectionism, or you don’t want to be judged by others for making bad decisions. Making mistakes is how we learn and without it you would still need to be in diapers, being looked after by your primary carer! Acknowledge that you are going to make mistakes and that’s ok. Promise yourself you are going to learn from your mistakes and improve when you make one.
2. It may be hard at times
Achieving work-life balance can be done but it is not without its sacrifices. There will be times when you possibly want to give up or throw your hands up in the air, and that’s ok. As I often say to my clients, ‘Choose your hard’. It may be hard now, but you will reap the benefits somewhere down the line.
3. Embrace the gifts that work-life balance gives you
Often working towards work-life balance is hard because things don’t work out as you planned or how you hoped. However, what I do know is that after 35 years of working towards work-life balance for myself, I have learned so much about what I value and often when it hasn’t worked out quite how I planned, the outcome was better than what I hoped for. Also, it’s important to recognise that you can only control your inputs and responses, if you are dependent on others, attempting to control them will only make them less compliant.
4. Talk about and share your experiences
We don’t do this enough as an adult community. We only see the result of the efforts that go on behind the scenes, not the negotiating, prioritising and the conflicts that have been worked through. Sharing your experiences with others you trust, might provide some enlightening surprises. Just because someone looks like they have work-life balance doesn’t mean they feel they do, nor does it mean it was easy for them to achieve. Chances are they are always trying to get more work-life balance. And that’s the thing with work-life balance, it’s a never-ending aspiration. You need to share what’s working and what’s not so that others can learn from your experiences, and you can learn from theirs, even if you are at different stages of life with different challenges.
5. Take the time to listen
While it may feel like a whinge when listening to others struggle to achieve work-life balance, listen to them. There may be something in it for you. While you may not be able to do anything about their situation, you could offer suggestions and you could also provide perspective. Sometimes talking about what you are disappointed with or struggling with helps to untangle your thoughts and it allows solutions to unfold. Perspective-taking also cannot be underestimated especially if your inner critic is working overtime.
As you continue to embrace the juggle and seek to achieve work-life balance, your resilience is tested and also growing. This is key in the effort to protect against burnout.
Burnout is a state of exhaustion which can impact your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. It comes from prolonged stress which could easily be the stress you put yourself under when trying to achieve work-life balance and perceive you are not making sufficient progress. So next time your work-life balance efforts don’t go according to plan; take a breath; ask yourself what you can learn from this; and make a decision to move forward with a smile!
If you are struggling to achieve work-life balance and would benefit from talking through what you have tried and would like to achieve, then book in a free, confidential call with me and we can explore strategies and options for you to start enjoying more work-life balance.
