It’s hard to know the prevalence of co-dependent relationships as it is not exclusively found in romantic relationships or where there is addiction. It can occur wherever there is a relational dynamic, i.e., at work, in friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships.
What is co-dependency?
Co-dependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and wants for the sake of the other, “the taker”. I often explain it to clients as the experience of “I’m ok if you’re ok”. This explanation is often easier for clients to hear as the idea that they could be co-dependent is often a shocking prospect because that isn’t how they’ve interpreted it.
Often co-dependency gets mistakenly labeled as kindness however if the intention is for harmony and keeping the peace, it’s more about co-dependence.
How does co-dependence develop?
Co-dependence is considered a sign of developmental immaturity caused by childhood relational trauma, resulting an impaired attachment to a primary or secondary caregiver. These children grow up and become adults and they continue to behave in ways that have been successful for them in the past.
Adults who are at a greater risk of engaging in co-dependent relationships typically suffer from low self-esteem, use people-pleasing strategies, have trouble managing and expressing their emotions and often struggle with setting healthy boundaries and have obsessive thoughts.
Characteristics of a healthy relationship?
Healthy relationships are mutually beneficial, providing love and support to both parties. Both people in the relationship are openly able to work together in an effort to acknowledge and meet both person’s needs, rather than one in favour or the other.
In a healthy relationship, both parties give and receive equally and are able to maintain their own identity separate from the other.
For a healthy relationship to exist both people in the relationship need to feel comfortable in expressing their needs without fear of interpersonal risk.
10 Signs you are in a co-dependent relationship
In order to be considered in a co-dependent relationship, you only need to display one or more of these signs regularly in a relationship.
1. Avoid relational intimacy by not taking an interpersonal risk and sharing what you really think of someone or a situation
2. Attach your identity to something else other than yourself, e.g., your job or where you work, where you live, your intimate partner. Each of these could result in identity crises if they were suddenly absent for example redundancy, downsizing or separation or divorce respectively.
3. Leave decisions to be made by the other party for fear of making the wrong decision or causing upset. This can lead to a lack of confidence and self-belief.
4. Only allow yourself to feel once you know how the other party feels. This could lead to a denial of how you feel or a loss in being able to figure out how you feel in various situations.
5. Apologise constantly for your apparent missteps and when you attempt to speak up it is rewarded with stonewalling, an argument or some other negative response.
6. Attempt to restore peace whenever the other person is displeased to keep the peace
7. Ignore your own well-being and support the other person’s dysfunctional behaviour by enabling it, covering up for it and removing natural consequences, e.g., calling in sick for a housemate when they are so hungover, lending a friend money to pay their rent when they gambled their money away, or excusing a manager’s outburst by explaining they are under enormous pressure.
8. Giving more than what you’re getting from the relationship, i.e., continuing to work long hours for little individual recognition, always staying later to meet with an overseas colleague, always being the one to travel to visit a friend.
9. Concerned and afraid of what it might be like if that relationship was no longer in place.
10. Aware of the unhealthy relationship yet you feel like you cannot leave it. You decide to continually sacrifice your needs in order to maintain the unhealthy relationship.
Co-dependence at work
Recently, I had a coaching client who had found themselves in a co-dependent relationship with his employer. He did everything that was asked of him, some of those things were inconvenient for him and detrimental to his own career progression however, he never complained or spoke to his manager about it. Consequently, when someone else was promoted ahead of him, he was confused and angry. He had anticipated that because he had gone out of his way to do everything his employer had asked, he’d get promoted. Why had that person got promoted instead of him? Unpacking it with my client, it was because he had sacrificed his own wants and needs in service of doing what his employer had asked him – assuming it would play in his favour. The reality however is that work assumed they knew his wants and needs because he never complained. They assumed he was happy in his current role and that they wouldn’t need to be promoted to retain him. He has since resigned and joined a competitor.
There is a lesson for both parties in this. While we cannot hope to know all of someone’s background and behavioural influences, we can make an effort to get to know someone as a person and learn their wants and needs at work so some effort can be made to meet them. Similarly, employees need to speak up and not assume a manager or organisation is going to take care of their unspoken wants and needs.
If you are struggling to speak up in a relationship at home or at work, then book in a confidential call with me and we can explore together how you can start to find your voice.
