In my practice I often see clients who are struggling along the interdependent – independent continuum. Often, they’re over-collaborative with little independence (co-dependent) or they’re perceived as insensitive by exercising too much independence (fierce independence). It’s a continual struggle for them to find the right mix of asserting their needs and being mindful of the needs of others (interdependence). Both approaches of co-dependence and fierce independence have drawbacks.
Not asserting your needs or dismissing them in favour of what someone else wants only leads to resentment and regrets later down the track; and asserting your needs at the expense of others can leave you feeling exhausted, lonely, and distrustful of others. Neither strategy produces fulfilling personal or professional relationships.
Take Julia* who is a professional woman in her 30s. She has a lot to be proud of. She’s smart, got a job, has supportive long-term friends, has an investment property, and has wonderful holidays. Julia has always been an independent woman especially since her last relationship break up 5 years ago. Julia has worked diligently and has progressed through the ranks at her firm. Julia felt a sense of heartache that she has struggled to find a suitable partner in the last couple of years. She has rationalised her situation by saying her focus on work and socialising with friends has left little time to meet someone special. As she starts approaching her late-30s Julia is wondering why she hasn’t met someone special – she wondering what’s wrong with her.
Similarly, Steve* is a married professional who is well regarded at work, but he has missed out on two recent internal promotions, and he is concerned he may have gone as a far as he can professionally. He has done all the projects that should have made him a shoo-in for one of the promotions. What has really shaken his confidence is that the last person to be promoted isn’t as experienced as him. On paper he considers himself a better candidate and his colleagues have commented on it too. He doesn’t believe work is the place for making friends so he tends to socialise with his friends from his uni days because he feels he can be himself with them. In the past, Steve would have started looking for a new role externally after being knocked back internally, but he likes the company and he’s wondering if this career is really for him.
Do you relate to Julia and Steve’s experiences? Do you find yourself being fiercely independent? You are probably very good at what you do, and you rarely put your hand up for help. You may even be known as the ‘quiet achiever.’ Is it quite challenging for you to get to know people and really connect with them?
To engage in fulfilling personal and professional relationships you need to be able to be open to collaborate and create new realities, and not always hang on to the reality you have created. This means letting go of some control, in the case of fierce independence, and being open to letting situations unfold. Perhaps enjoy some spontaneity and have some fun.
What is fierce independence?
Being fiercely independent is when you are self-reliant or self-sufficient and you have no need to rely on others for anything. You make your own way in the world, on your own. Admittedly, being fiercely independent can look attractive when you have been routinely let down by others because with this strategy you get to decide what, when, and how of everything. You are in complete control!
Fierce independence is an adaptive response
Humans are designed to connect, and fierce independence promotes the opposite of that. When you learn that others are unreliable in helping you to get your needs met, whether that’s from childhood, work or family, the problem solver in you gets to work. Often it decides that only you can be trusted to follow through and be there for yourself, to avoid the pain of disappointment. As a result, that’s who you come to rely on, for everything. Over time, it can be hard to let others in because you are so used to your way of being, and the underlying assumption hasn’t changed, i.e., others can’t be trusted, they will let me down and it will be painful when it happens. As a result, fiercely independent people tend to avoid vulnerability because history shows it is likely to be painful. To avoid emotional vulnerability, you focus on your strengths and the execution of tasks, often this is work.
7 Signs you’re fiercely independent
1. You are comfortable doing activities on your own and you don’t expect others to join you
2. You are always learning, because if you need to get something fixed or done, you can do it yourself
3. Your motto is “If you want something done properly, you’re better off doing it yourself”
4. You tend to shy away from group projects and team sports
5. You get perplexed when team members give you feedback that you are distant and too focused on the tasks that need to be done
6. Managers or leaders can get frustrated with you because you don’t readily share details of work issues because you’re too busy working on a solution to get through them.
7. You’re more of a ‘do first, ask permission later’ type of person
How to overcome fierce independence
The first step is recognising that you have fierce independence tendencies and then to ask yourself what do you want to change? What is your fierce independence getting in the way of right now? Often there is one area of life where it is really hindering progress.
Here are some suggestions on how to lessen fierce independence at work or outside of work.
Outside of work
1. Invite a friend along to an activity you would usually do on your own
2. Allow others to pay for things if they offer, e.g., a coffee or cinema ticket
3. Allow others to do things for you, not allowing them to do things for you rob them of experiencing pleasure in their act of kindness towards you
At work
1. Start delegating more of your tasks rather than holding on to them and doing them yourself
2. Start talking about your work and asking others for their input and perspectives
3. Put your hand up for project or group work so you can hone your collaboration skills
If all of that feels daunting, try the Task-Trust-Ask Method to get you started.
Task-Trust-Ask Method
Use the Task-Trust-Ask Method to build your trust in others so that you can learn to trust them and by extension yourself in your decisions about others.
The task-trust-ask method explained
1. Assign task/s to someone else even when you think you can do it (task)
2. Once the assigned task is complete you will start building a trust in the said person’s abilities (trust). You can also build further trust by giving feedback and seeing it acted on in future tasks.
3. Once you have started to trust the person, it will be easier for you to ask them for help (ask).
If you recognise that fierce independence is what is holding you back from truly experiencing a fulfilling life, then book in a confidential call and we can explore how you can start better connecting with others, both inside and outside of work.
*The names and case examples do not refer to any actual present or past clients but are combinations of many life stories I have heard over the years.
