Often, when a client comes in and asks, “What’s wrong with me, why can’t I find someone to settle down with?” I often find myself asking, “What have you tried so far?” to which they usually reply with a whole list of activities that have not lead to any meaningful relationship but rather a series of false starts. It can be disheartening out there in the dating world as not everyone has the same intentions as you. However, if your selection process is faulty, you’re really going to struggle to meet someone who expands who you are, no matter how many activities you engage in.
Defining what you’re really looking for
When thinking about what you’re looking for in a partner the obvious characteristics are most likely there, like attractive, kind, reliable, intelligent and funny. Those are relatively easy things for someone to achieve in the early days of dating.
When you’re imagining who you would like to meet ignore the societal influence of who may be a good match and focus instead on the characteristics you would like them to have. Characteristics that demonstrate the possibility of an enduring relationship. Then ask yourself if you display those same qualities, because it’s unfair to expect someone else to make up for your shortcomings.
What to look for in a date with prospects (beyond your criteria)
1. The quality of their family relationships
How your date talks about their family is a real indication of how connected they are to their family and the quality of those relationships. Not everyone has a Brady Bunch family but how they are in that family system will give you some clues as to whether they are able to be in it for the long haul i.e., are they able to forgive and accept other family members and are able to have their back when they need it.
Some signs they may be unsuitable could be that they relish in making trouble for others or they blame family members for the situation they’re in. Or they describe everything as perfect or awful, nothing in between.
Ideally what you’re looking for is a balanced point of view.
2. How they talk about past relationships
How do they talk about their friendships and past romantic relationships is important no matter how badly or well the relationship ended. Everyone has an ex and how they talk about them is instructive for you. Often the thing that broke them up will be a criterion for your date, for you, in some way.
As they tell you about their past relationship, do they take responsibility and accountability for what happened and how it ended? If they talk about their past relationships in a negative or derogatory way, that’s something to be wary of. Especially as there’s a reason why they were in a relationship in the first place.
3. How they handle their emotions
Understandably on dates you are most likely getting to see the best parts of them however as you get to know each other it will be important to notice how they manage their emotions. Do they stonewall you when you don’t agree with them, do they give you back-handed compliments or are they unable to manage their anger appropriately for the situation? These patterns of behaviour are important to notice because none of them are healthy for you to be on the receiving end of.
4. Generosity and support towards others
According to a long-term study at the University of Virginia, generosity is considered the No. 1 key to a good relationship. So, while your judgement may be a bit clouded by how fabulous your date is, you need to take note of how generous they are towards others as this will be a good indication of how generous they will be towards you when the love dust dissolves.
Generosity in this context also includes supportiveness. How supportive are they of family and friends in ways that does not include financial support?
5. What else is in their lives
Does your date have other things going on in their life or are you expected to provide that? Couples who are able to exist independent of one another and who come together for shared activities are often most successful. Partly because there is no expectation the other person is solely responsible for their happiness, and they already have meaning in their lives. And partly because in order to have intimacy, you need to have separation.
This may sound counterintuitive, but you really only get the most intimacy out of a relationship when you are willing to be vulnerable. And often vulnerability is only possible once you have done internal work on yourself. Internal work where you know what you want for yourself from life and feel whole and clear pursuing it. An intimate relationship compliments your internal work rather than replaces it.
In summary, you may want to reflect on your past dating choices and ask yourself if how you are choosing prospective dates is a flawed process that could with improving or if you need to do some inner work before you can attract the right person for you. Only you will know the answer!
If you would like to do some inner work to attract the right person into your life, then book in a confidential call and we can discuss your situation and some possible strategies to try.
