Only narcissists and sociopaths are able to completely avoid guilt. Feelings of guilt can be distressing and draining. There doesn’t seem to be an easy remedy. You’ve done or said something you regret. You’re uncomfortable without an obvious solution. What can you do about it now?
What is guilt?
Guilt is a moral emotion that arises when a person believes or recognises they have compromised their own code of conduct or the universal codes of conduct that exist in society. As the feeling of guilt arises based on a subjective analysis of a situation, feeling guilty is largely dependent on your own code of conduct and how much you want to subscribe to the prevailing code of conduct in your community.
Guilt alerts you to the likelihood you have failed your own code of conduct and it alerts you to the possibility you have caused someone else harm. Guilt is a great motivator. It encourages you to make amends. It wants you to restore harmony.
Feeling guilty can feel uncomfortable, but it isn’t fatal.
What’s the difference between guilt and shame?
Feeling guilt or shame over actions you have or have not taken, are normal human emotions that can help you learn, grow, and, through forgiveness, deepen your relationships.
Guilt and shame remind you of your imperfections, your vulnerabilities, and they make you humble which can be helpful to know.
John Bradshaw, an author, counsellor, and motivational speaker, said that guilt leads us to think, “I made a mistake,” but shame often leads us to think, “I am a mistake.” Guilt says, “What I did was bad,” whereas shame says, “I am bad.”
Use these 7 techniques to get over your guilt and move forward with your life:
1. Determine why you feel guilty. Be sure you understand why you’re feeling guilty. What did you do wrong? Whose standard are you using to determine what you did wrong? What are you taking ownership for?
Imagine you were supposed to meet a friend for lunch at a local café, but you got stuck at work and missed your lunch.
- If you missed your lunch because you were held up at work, and let your friend know you weren’t going to be able to meet them for lunch then you have nothing to feel guilty about.
- However, if you forgot to let your friend know that you were stuck at work and wouldn’t be able to meet for lunch, you should probably feel some guilt!
Avoid feeling guilty for things outside of your control.
In the above example, felling guilty because you forgot to let you friend know you couldn’t make it is appropriate. It shows you are taking ownership of what you could control. Feeling guilty because you go stuck at work, is not your fault, it’s outside of your control.
2. Decide on a response. The first step out of guilt is responding appropriately. This might include an apology. Perhaps a detailed explanation is required. Maybe you’ll show the person a plan that shows them that it won’t happen again.
- You might choose to make it up to the other person in some way. Maybe you’ll agree to pay for the next lunch you and your friend arrange.
If the guilt persists after you have apologised, it is likely your apology didn’t go far enough, or you have yet to forgive yourself.
3. Be willing to forgive yourself. Once you forgive yourself, the guilt disappears. Sometimes forgiving yourself is harder than receiving forgiveness from the other person. Imagine if a friend had made that mistake with you, forgot to let you know that they couldn’t meet for lunch. Imagine how you would respond. You’d likely forgive the other person without too much fuss. You should recognise you are only human, and you also make mistakes. It’s what you did with them that counts. Treat yourself at least as well and you would your friend!
Notice how much easier it is for you to forgive someone else than it is to forgive yourself. You should be the best friend you’ll ever have. Treat yourself like it.
4. Write a letter. You can write a letter to yourself, to the person you harmed, or both. Writing letter is a great way to untangle your thoughts and understand your guilt. You can intend to post your letter or you can destroy it after writing it – it’s up to you. If you choose to send it, it will likely standout as few people write or send letters anymore – it makes receiving them especially meaningful. The other person will be impressed, and you’ll feel a lot better.
5. Do something positive that will boost your self-esteem. Volunteering can be great when you’re feeling guilty. Show yourself that you’re a good person. Make a donation. Help someone with a problem. Give away some of your things. Take an action that will allow you to feel good about yourself.
6. Make changes instead of feeling guilty. Rather than feeling guilt, which helps no one, make some changes to ensure the same thing doesn’t happen again in the future. Do you need to get more organised, eliminate a bad habit, or procrastinate less? Maybe you need to value connection with friends more than you do currently. What are some positive changes you can make that are related to the cause of your guilt?
7. Move on. At some point, you have to let it go and get on with your life. There’s no value in holding on to guilt. Guilty feelings suggest that you did something wrong, and you need to learn from it. So, learn from the experience. Then, move on.
Everyone has felt the pain of guilt. It’s important to resolve the issue as well as you can, forgive yourself, make amends, and move on. There’s no value in punishing yourself for an extended period of time when the other party has already forgiven you. You made a mistake, so do the best you can to forgive yourself with a strategy for ensuring it won’t happen again.
If you struggle with hanging on to guilt, feel bad about yourself, blame yourself or have difficulty ever letting up on yourself, it is possible to learn ways to think about your actions and create new pathways for self-compassion and self-forgiveness.
However, if you are someone who tends to feel guilty and ashamed a lot, or even all the time, then it is possible that you are suffering as a result and stuck in a place that you feel you cannot get out of.
If you are struggling to forgive yourself or someone else, then it’s possible you are suffering as a result and stuck in a place you cannot get out of. If that is you, then book in a confidential call and we can explore how you can process and overcome your guilt, so you can set yourself free and start focusing on your future.
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