Someone once said that to move on after a relationship takes half the time you spent together. So, if you were in a one-year relationship, it’s okay if you take six months to reflect, reminisce and heal.
Yet, that can be hard if the breakup was a surprise that you didn’t see coming. Often when a relationship comes to an end and you both agree that dissolving it is in the best interests for both of you, it is easier to accept even though it is still painful, and you may take time to heal. However, when it’s a surprise and not your choice, it can be hard to understand, accept and to move on from. For clients who are devastated by the ending of a relationship, it can take as long as it takes to process and heal from the experience.
From my observations, those who reach out for counselling to process the experience are keen to emerge from the experience stronger, they’re reluctant to make the same mistake again, and they’re keen to be more assertive with their own needs in a future relationship. Even though their ability to trust is dampened they are keen to date again with more discernment. They’re optimistic there is a better life partner out there for them.
So, in the face of a breakup, your only option is to find ways to get back up and land on your feet. I’m confident that you’ll find yourself again in your own time. But, in the meantime, here are a few tips to help get you started.
5 Tips to start healing from a breakup
1. Change your viewpoint
After you’ve been with your partner for a while, it’s natural to feel like you’ve strayed from who you are as a person. So, after a breakup, you have to re-confirm what you want out of your life and re-adjust the way you look at things.
Breaking up with someone and finding yourself single again is no longer frowned upon like it has been in years gone by. Just because you’re single again doesn’t mean your life is empty or meaningless.
On the contrary, you can schedule more time to spend time with friends and family. In addition, you’ll notice that you have more freedom to make choices that suit you better like choosing new furniture and trying out new recipes.
2. Learn from setbacks
Setbacks are disheartening for anyone. Yet, they seem to be more caustic when you’re going through a breakup because, let’s face it, it’s a pretty painful experience. There’s no way to sugarcoat it.
But you can teach yourself to make the most of each setback. For example, painful as it may be, you have to look at what went wrong in your relationship, and what you contributed if anything.
Don’t lay blame; simply lay out the facts. This way, you can use that sadness, anger and disappointment to understand what you want and don’t want in your next relationship.
You can also take this time to work on your own relationship challenges and insecurities. As a result, you’ll move from feeling helpless and weak to feeling more empowered and capable.
3. Give yourself credit
As you pick up your life bit by bit, there’s no need to spend lots of time feeling sorry for yourself. Instead, be proud of what you positively contributed to the relationship and what you’ve learned about yourself in the process.
You may still not be at the point in your life where you’re ready to date again however day by day you are making real progress. Plenty of positive steps forward. Celebrate those.
For example, give yourself credit if you’ve just made a phone call you’ve been dreading or learned how to do something that was previously done by your partner. Your little successes in your daily life should be valued and celebrated.
4. Be grateful for what you have
One way to land on your feet after a breakup is to count your blessings. Look around you at the things you have achieved and the people who care for you. Notice as many positives as you can to help you appreciate your life now just as it is.
Then, any time you begin to feel sorry for yourself, remember the good times you had together and those moments when you felt unheard and unloved by your partner. You may find yourself feeling lonely and dejected, but know that you did your best and, in this circumstance, it wasn’t meant to be.
Compare that with the support your friends and family provide you with. Even if you’re now living on your own, you have the freedom to go out and make new friends. You also have the opportunity to put your hand up for additional projects at work and if that’s not what you want to do, you can try enrolling in a class, volunteering, or simply becoming a more active member of your community.
5. Schedule things to look forward to
After a breakup, you’ll find that you probably have more free time than before. You have to learn how to use that time wisely.
Don’t spend it all catching up on chores, work, and running errands. Instead, carve out some time for yourself each day–even if it’s just for five minutes.
Doing things that you enjoy, like gardening, painting, or just taking a walk, can help lower stress and anxiety. It can also brighten up your mood and add a bit of happiness to your day.
Other ideas you might consider include:
- Attend a local art gallery
- Go to a museum
- Host games night and invite a few friends over
- Visit your local cinema
- Plan a long weekend away with friends
Conclusion
Think of a breakup as the end of one path and the start of a new one. And on this new one, you’ll do most of the walking alone.
The trick is to not look at it as something scary. Instead, take this time to rediscover yourself and embark on a new adventure full of exciting possibilities.
If you are struggling to get over a breakup, book in a confidential call with me and we can explore together how you can build on your learnings and start over stronger.
