Anger is a multi-faceted emotion and often it is adaptive and while it has a positive intention for you, holding on to it can be harmful to you. However, when anger is directed at yourself for any length of time that is beyond its purpose, it becomes maladaptive and harmful to your mental health.
What is self-directed anger?
Self-directed anger is when you are angry at yourself. It is a response directed towards yourself and is triggered by regrettable behaviours, omissions, or traits that you reprimand yourself for because you felt you could have done better. Self-directed anger is unique and different from anger towards others, and it is importantly distinct from the negative self-directed emotions of guilt and shame.
Self-directed anger is not the same as shame or guilt
Self-directed anger differs from guilt and shame as your self-concept and self-worth are not undermined while you are angry at yourself. Research shows, shame and guilt most often (98%) arise in the presence of others while self-directed anger mostly occurs alone (48%).
Unlike shame and guilt, self-directed anger is not concerned with social norms, community values, or how one is perceived by others. Self-directed anger arises when you contest a part of yourself and you’re keen to confront and change it.
Studies show anger directed towards yourself requires a high level of coping abilities or control compared to other negative emotions. An adaptive response to feeling angry is to attempt to change the situation and alleviate the anger however, self-directed anger is associated with avoidance rather than change-seeking behaviour. Therefore, self-directed anger does not automatically lead to making attempts to alleviate the anger as the initial goal of your self-directed anger is to target and punish and/or change the ways of its target, you!
Self-directed anger can arise from a negative appraisal of your own actions, omissions, or self-perception of negative character traits and habits. Self-directed anger is more likely to occur when you perceive you are capable of upholding your goals in the future. Therefore, self-directed anger can be motivational because it can promote behaviour change and seek out the support of others. As a result, self-directed anger can be a strong force for self-change or improvement.
Self-directed anger is not depression
Self-directed anger is different from depression, however, there is little information or research on the topic. What you may come across is the psychodynamic theory that self-directed anger can over time, if not addressed, convert into self-hatred, which causes depression.
How self-directed anger differs from anger towards others
A client recently came to see me because he was starting to feel less happy with himself and didn’t like this new feeling. He had tried lots of things but couldn’t seem to shift it. When we got talking, he told me about a situation where he had tried to take a shortcut rather than doing what he was required to do. At the time it made a lot of sense to him however he got found out and landed himself in some serious trouble. The trouble had real implications for his future career.
He didn’t need the shortcut. He could have easily taken more time and not got into trouble. When he came to see me, he was so angry at himself for taking the shortcut that there was little opportunity for anything else. He wasn’t angry with those who had caught him out. He was angry at himself for choosing to take the shortcut and getting himself unnecessarily into trouble. Fortunately, he had a plan to reverse the situation however he was still holding on to his self-directed anger which was hard for him to identify or connect with.
In my experience, self-directed anger is hard for polite professionals who struggle to feel or express themselves, and this was certainly the case for this client.
How to overcome self-directed anger
Holding on to self-directed anger accomplishes nothing – research shows it can, be deeply detrimental to your wellbeing. Unresolved self-directed anger can lead to higher degrees of distress, anxiety, and depression in adults.
5 Ways to overcome your self-directed anger
1. Reflect on your thoughts and feelings fuelling your self-directed anger
When you notice you are angry with yourself, get curious. Ask yourself what your thoughts and feelings are on why you’re angry with yourself. Then reflect on whether you have felt this way before and if so, how did you work through it? Ask yourself how you can forgive yourself for feeling or thinking that way. Recognise if a friend had told you about the same incident, what would you say to them – and then direct those words towards yourself.
2. If your self-directed anger consumes you, distract yourself for a bit
Distraction is a good way to give you some space from your anger, which may make it easier to view it from a renewed perspective after your distraction. Distraction is short-lived not a strategy to ignore how you’re feeling and thinking.
3. Resist the urge to keep score
Often, it’s easy to know when you have made more mistakes in a friendship than your friend or how many mistakes you have made learning a new skill. It is not necessary to maintain a score of it, just accept that you are human, and you will make mistakes. Your friend probably hasn’t even noticed!
4. Acknowledge your mistakes to yourself and/or the person you hurt
If you recognise that you have made mistakes and there are some apologies to be made, go ahead and make them as soon as practically possible. If your anger is only directed at you, acknowledge the mistake and make a commitment to not do it again, or put actions in place so that it decreases the chances of happening again. This point is particularly salient for those who may have over-indulged and behaved or said a few things to others that may have been inappropriate or rude.
5. Seek out social support and self-care
Recognize you don’t always have to have all the answers or have to go it alone. There is support for you out in your community, with trusted friends and family or with a professional. Seek out those supports to help you process your self-directed anger or otherwise you may find yourself experiencing a low mood and negatively impacting your wellbeing.
If you are wanting to tackle your self-directed anger or other-directed anger, then book in a call with me and we can explore how you might be able to do this.
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- Anger: A misunderstood emotion
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- Never worry about anger again
