Are you a people pleaser?
We all want to be liked right? Yes, and some of us want to be liked more than others. It’s only natural. However, if you find yourself turning yourself inside out to get in the good books of others, to be included or well-regarded and to avoid negative feedback, then it is a strategy that has become overused. And it’s not doing you any favours.
While the goal of being a people pleaser may be noble, the way it is executed can leave you feeling anxious and regularly disappointed as not everything is going to turn out how you’d hoped or planned. You cannot control how others respond to you, only how you respond to your environment and others.
What’s the impact of people pleasing?
All of this people-pleasing comes at a cost to you which you may not have yet recognised. Here are some of the main impacts:
1. Suppressing emotions leading to stress, anxiety, fatigue and illness. Often people-pleasers fantasize about crying with sadness, screaming with anger, or telling you how they really feel; yet they smile sweetly instead, to avoid conflict and the possibility of falling out of favour. This emotional suppression can lead to people pleasers experiencing chronic stress, which can lead to anxiety, fatigue, and mental and physical illness.
2. Experiencing higher levels of resentment and regret. When you aren’t tapped in to how you really feel, or you dismiss your inner voice and behave out of preference with your core values, you are setting yourself up for being taken for granted, which can make you feel unappreciated. In truth, you are the only one who knows what sacrifices you made in service of your people pleasing activities.
3. Lacking feelings of joy, freedom, meaning and purpose. People pleasers are adept at learning what others like and over time they develop a sophisticated system, or mental cage, that prevents them from expressing their authenticity. As a result of actively managing how others perceive them, they find it extremely hard to let go, enjoy themselves, pursue their dreams, or just speak out. Often people pleasers experience this as a profound sense of emptiness within, which they often mistakenly try to fill by pleasing others instead of recognising and taking care of their own needs.
4. Superficial relationships that lack vulnerability. People pleasers are dishonest with themselves and as a result they rarely show their true nature to those around them. Of course, it’s not done with malicious intent however this pretending to be someone you’re not prevents others from getting to know you and liking you, for you. And depending on how safe you feel in the relationship, you are unlikely to be vulnerable for fear of what you disclose could alienate you. And without vulnerability it hard to connect with others beyond the superficial.
5. Attracting bullies and people with narcissistic behaviours. People pleasers rarely assert their needs or actively manage interpersonal boundaries in relationships. Therefore, it’s not uncommon for people pleasers to find themselves in toxic relationships where they are manipulated to feel accepted, loved and wanted.
Where does the term bucket list come from?
The phrase ‘bucket list’ became popular after a movie was released with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholas called ‘The Bucket List’ in 2007. The movie was about two men dying of terminal cancer who decide to live life to the fullest before “kicking the bucket.” Before that, the first use of the phrase can be found in a 2004 book by Patrick M. Carlisle where the phrase is used to list of activities to accomplish before you die. Before that, the term had only been used with other meanings in other areas such as computer programming.
What is a bucket list?
Broadly speaking a ‘bucket list’ is a list of all the goals you want to achieve, dreams you want to fulfill, and life experiences you wish to experience before you die. However, it doesn’t only have to extend out to before your die. It can also relate to a fixed timeframe, for example a special holiday or limited time spent with someone you care about.
The benefits of having a bucket list
There are many benefits to creating a bucket list, here are some that come to mind immediately.
1. Creating a bucket list helps you to clarify what you want to achieve or experience within a timeframe.
2. Gives you focus on how to spend your time, so you can use your time more productively.
3. Provides guidance on what opportunities you need to start creating or looking out for.
4. A bucket list can stretch your comfort zone and boost your confidence.
5. Having a list provides a sense of hope, giving you something to look forward to and it may even inspire you along the way.
6. You experience a sense of accomplishment and contentment when you finally get to experience something you have wanted to do for some time.
7. The risk of living with regrets of missed opportunities declines.
Isn’t a bucket list another term for wish list or goals?
While they are all lists, they’re all quite different. A bucket list is a list of experiential items that when achieved provide you with satisfaction and increased happiness.
A wish list is a list of goods and services you desire. Typically, they are material items or possessions as opposed to a bucket list which focuses on experiences.
A goal is a single item, whereas a bucket list is a collection of goals. A bucket list generally has goals that are significant and have meaning. Goals can relate to anything that needs to be done e.g., spring cleaning before the summer arrives.
Why do people pleasers need a bucket list?
If you have never had one, chances are you haven’t felt the need to create one and you may be a people pleaser! I highly recommend that you start one otherwise you may be working on other people’s bucket lists and feel resentful when you realise you won’t be able to have your own needs met. Or you could be doing activities because of a felt sense of obligation and over time you may start to get down on yourself that you haven’t achieved or experienced as much as you’d hoped.
I often find myself suggesting to and encouraging clients that they may want to develop a bucket list to help them make an important decision, especially when they have so many demands to satisfy and a limited time to achieve them.
Having a bucket list reminds you that your time is precious, and you have limited opportunities to do things in your life that matter to you or make you feel happy.
If you need help to figure out how to start writing your bucket list, arrange a confidential call with me and we can explore together how you can find the courage to do what’s right for you.
