Why you need to forgive others when they hurt you, even if you don’t want to

When someone has wronged you, forgiveness may be the last thing on your mind. You’re convinced they deserve all the anger and hostility you can muster. However, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. Does your anger harm the other person? In most cases, the other person avoids you and doesn’t get to experience your anger, you do.

Holding a grudge is like punching yourself in the face and expecting the other person to say, “Ouch.” And this was certainly true for a client of mine.

My client was one of three children, now all mature adults, who had to agree on how to take care of an aging parent. As emotions were running high, she struggled to let go of all the resentment she’d stored up over the years about her siblings. As a result, she was overwrought with emotions and unable to focus clearly at work because she was always upset, and she felt her siblings didn’t listen to her contributions when discussing care options and their parent’s future, even though she was the eldest! She came to see me to get some strategies on how she could better manage her siblings the future. Through exploring her resentment, my client was able to forgive her siblings for who they were and recognise their behaviour wasn’t about her but rather a response to their experiences in ‘their world’. This left my client feeling calmer about the upcoming discussions that needed to be had and how she could have a relationship with her siblings that felt mutually respectful. She felt in control of her emotions and better able to express herself, so she was heard without making it personal or having it fuelled by years of resentment. Admittedly my client could have continued to hold on to her resentment and feel hard done by for years to come, but that wouldn’t have helped her parent or anyone else.

9 Reasons why forgiveness is the healthy and logical choice:

1. Living in the past steals your present and taints your future. A great future requires an attentive present. That’s not possible if you’re living in the past. Life is happening right now in this moment. You can’t change the past. Every moment spent in the past is lost forever. Reclaim your life by forgiving the other person and moving on.

2. Failing to forgive creates misery. Creating and holding on to negative thoughts doesn’t feel good, and those negative thoughts will start to filter into other areas of your life. Pleasant thoughts support a pleasant mood. By refusing to forgive someone who wronged you, you’re only harming yourself.

3. You’ll be stronger. Forgiveness can be challenging! I never said it would be easy. Staying angry is definitely easier! Show yourself and others just how strong you are by offering forgiveness. Take a deep breath and forgive. It gets easier with time.

As an added bonus, the more forgiving you are, the more others are willing to forgive you!

4. The past cannot be changed, but your attitude to it can. What is the purpose of your anger? If you stay angry for the next ten years, what will you have accomplished? All anger is good for, is keeping people away. Nobody likes being around someone who is angry at them or someone who is generally angry. Nothing you do today can change what happened yesterday. It may take some time to adjust your attitude towards the other person. BE kind to yourself and change your attitude as quickly as possible, so you can smile again.

5. They’ll be back sooner or later. Whether you forgive them or not, they’re sure to pop up someone where in your life in the future. In most cases, they’ll act as if nothing ever happened. However, your resentment may ignite an argument again or worse, make you feel bad all over again if you’re still holding a grudge.

The sooner you forgive, the sooner you can put the situation behind you.

6. We all make mistakes. We’ve all done or said things we later regret. You can’t expect to be forgiven if you’re unwilling to forgive others. Living a perfect life and making perfect choices isn’t possible and is unrealistic. Mistakes happen.

7. Forgiveness may be the best form of revenge. If someone upset you on purpose, i.e., intentionally and you sensed this, you may feel the need to strike back – don’t. In this situation, forgiveness is the best option. Forgive them for what they have done to you and show them you are focused on enjoying bigger and better things.

8. Your health will improve. An overriding sense of calmness and happiness supports good health and longevity. Studies show that practicing forgiveness can have measurable impacts on your quality of life, and these include:

Healthier relationships
Lower blood pressure
Stronger immune system
Improved heart health
Higher self-esteem

9. Forgiveness can be fast. Time may heal all wounds, and depending on the situation it can take a long time. Forgiveness can be instantaneous. There’s no faster way to enhance your mood than the simple act of forgiveness. Forgiveness is fast, effective, and free. Take advantage of it.

Forgiveness may seem self-serving because it’s something you do for yourself. The alternative is not offer yourself forgiveness and harm your health, happiness, and future. Be good to yourself. The fact that you’re letting the other person off the hook is secondary. Forgiveness is necessary. Forgetting is optional, depending on the situation.

Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean that you give the other person a second chance. It means that you’re not willing to suffer any longer. Remember forgiveness requires real strength.

If you are struggling to forgive someone and would like some expert support on your journey to forgiveness, then book in a confidential call and we can explore how you can process and overcome your anger and resentment, so you can set yourself free and start focusing on your future.

Not wanting to talk to someone but happy to work through a workbook with a proven process to help you forgive someone then you may want to purchase my Forgiveness Bundle, which includes a 22-page Forgiveness Workbook that takes you through the 5 Stages of forgiveness and more. Bonus items include a Forgiveness Journal with prompts and 31 Forgiveness Quotes for you to reflect on.